I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
My STD test came back clean. I'd like to thank all the guys I've slept with, they made this possible. I want to say thanks to all my friends, for believing in me living up to the full slut potential. And last but not least, I'd like to thank alcohol. I wouldn't be who I am today w/out you. I feel like I need to frame this...
reaaaally cool. my cat ate my birth control.
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
You broke the end off a wine bottle, ran outside and screamed "FOR NARNIA!!"
Been trying to fuck him since december. Finally got him into bed and he was uncircumcised. Why do bad things happen to good people?
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
This is my gift to your gina
Just got blown whilst wearing a glow in the dark superman t shirt. Your night will never be as good as mine.
Strip Simon Says: DO IT
bitch dont make me pour hotsauce in your vagina
My friends got engaged today and I learned the techniques of going upside down on a stripper pole. I'm not really sure who won...
I’m planning a Pharmasutra for the first night after the pandemic ends
Pharmasutra?
Me + Chris + cocktails + viagra = night of orgasms
Randomize
