You screamed, "I am going to fuck this cheeseburger". They all started laughing until you actually started having sex with the cheeseburger.
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
I really love her but I don't think I can go the rest of my life without anal.
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
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Also, just grabbed a bunch of "tuxedo black" condoms. formal, anyone?
On my list on ridiculous morning after bus rides home, still sopping wet and carrying a giant straw hat is definitely top five
I mean what are real friends for if they won't hold down your wedding dress to allow for a keg stand
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
Yes, but it's not new to me. It's like every time a new guy finds out I'm a squirter it's a novelty so they make me squirt and squirt and squirt until their bed is completely soaked. And then afterwards they complain that there isn't a dry bit to sleep on. No shit Sherlock.
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I think I'm still a little drunk from Sunday Funday and I just changed for a date in my car. wish me luck.
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
We're shaving superhero symbols into our pubes. I call dibs on Batman.
When he wakes up tomorrow with half shaved legs smelling like a preteens bathroom, I'm sure he will think he has had a great evening
You took the glass microwave plate and said it was the closest thing to a frisbee, let me know how that works out for you
Please come pick up your twin. She's tap dancing in her underwear and that's not how you want yourself represented.
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