I've come to realize time passes slowest when I'm sitting in class, waiting for microwavable foods, working out, & giving head.
Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
It seems to me that once you begin comparing Jesus to hercules and calling him a super pimp you should put the wine away...
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
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I don't know what it is about vodka that make me ruin relationships.
I just had to dig under a pile of condoms in my desk drawer to get to a blue book. Summer is officially over.
And on the subject of embracing my inner whore, I had two different dicks in my mouth yesterday. Friend, it's official. I'm completely outta control.
I still have his teeth marks on the base of my penis. You didnt miss much
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
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Balls are being tripped. Said meow to my cat and he said yeah cool dude.
You're tall, so I have high hopes for your dick.
Am I over stepping my bounds if I ask to fuck in your new bathroom?
It has heated floors
You went to a drug deal in a onesie.
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
Woke up in my boxers on a subway with a phone number written on my arm in lipstick..Best Night EVER.
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