wow, farting in latex pants is really awkward.
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
He's like a perfect storm of amazing hair and horrible judgment.
thing about being the result of a teen pregnancy is that all my baby pictures are of my mom and dad holding me around their stoned college friends.
Look. You've gotta stop making this about you, and make it about my vagina.
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
Crappy Mother's Day to you! Those of us who don't have children fill the void with hot sex, sleeping in, more sex, leisurely suntanning, foreign travel, overseas sex, paying cash for sports cars, watching TV, having sex on the floor in front of TV porn, lounging around the house, or whatever the hell we want.
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
I hooked up with a guy dressed up as morning wood. Needless to say he lived up to his costume.
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
How much do souls cost? I feel like I need one if those.
I walked out ot my car in the morning thinking there was a sandwich I left there from yesterday. Then later that day I was checking the mail and saw the other side of my car :/
It concerns me the most that u were potentially going to eat a day old car sandwich.
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
At this point, I would not mind getting hit by a truck. It would mean I could get this over with quicker.
Randomize
