I'm not crazy, I only keep calling you cause you won't pick up.
Just tell him to eat fruit before so it tastes good. Then it's just like shotgunning a smoothie
Ahhh sometimes you just need a thermos of whiskey in the library
she tried to deny peeing on the floor last night. she said she wouldn't make it to the bathroom only to pee on the floor
oh but she would
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
her spring break bucket list included "break into The Swamp, blow him where Tebow has Tebowed"
For sure. Gotta go. Building an igloo.
he's the second guy to suck on my nipple in front of my friends that i haven't made out with.
THINK! exactly how many raw eggs did you color and hide in my apt.
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
In an unrelated matter, im gonna eat you out so much later.
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
Woke up to find that I was cock blocked by no more than three people.
Dude whoeverrs house this is has only creeam cheese and beer in the fridge. Thats my kinda diet
Randomize
