This is not my ceiling
How long after st. Patrick's day is it ok to shit green before I should seek medicial attention?
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
My costume is made up of 4 inch heels and a firefighter costume I'm borrowing from the dramatic play area of my Pre-K classroom. I told you I could still be slutty on a teacher's salary.
I'm sitting in the middle of them on his bed, forcing them to watch Brokeback Mountain. I am the best cock blocker ever.
I hope my orgasm sounds aren't secretly that bad and no one tells me
How does this dude know what a dying walrus sounds like? That's the real question
I wish men found my impeccable aim when spitting into the sink attractive.
And I just want you to know I got myself into this mess. I gotta get myself out. Plus, don't you only need one kidney?
I was drunk while I accepted my job offer. Here's to growing up.
I think if you have sex on the couch it will psychologically damage it.
she hacked my macbook and downloaded an illegal version of the original pokemon red, completely nude in my computer chair. there were several levels of hornyness existing all at once
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
YOUR VAGINA IS SO CUTE IT'S LIKE A LITTLE MACAROON
you left your anal beads in the dishwasher