I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
We were all singing so you said you were going to play a percussion instrument... the crackers.
My grandpa is giving me detailed instructions on how to fight a second floor bedroom fire from a ladder on the out side. Just in case
I vaguely remember stopping for a bag of bugles and some lube and then I woke up this morning with melted chocolate on my hands. I think I love him
Would it be appropriate to cancel a hookup to watch the golden globes?
absolutely. tina fey and amy poehler trump everything.
Is it a bad thing that I'm trimming my nose hairs in anticipation for the 8ball to be delivered?
I'm considering having a threesome with my friend just so I can sleep with his boyfriend and not feel guilty about it.
This really high kid past out in the corner of the room holding a box of cheez its in his arm. My idol.
You have the perkiest tits in all of North America. You're fine.
so then the cop took one last hit off our blunt and then drove off in his car and we just all stood there thinking, yea... that just happened...
My vagina still hurts from yesterday. That's the last time I think riding a mop bucket is a good idea. Don't let me do that again
Just watched a guy open his car door, puke, close it, and resume driving. Happy Monday.
Someone sitting next to me at this football game is totally eating chicken nuggets out of his pocket and drinking four loko. I wanna be him.
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
