I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
I fucked her to her "thinking of him" playlist. Sucks to be that guy haha
I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
the ceiling is raining jello shotss
More importantly, he hasn't caught an STD yet. I mean I'd say it's luck, but at this point it has to be skill.
Let's have sex soon. Just us!! Its sad that I have to specify.
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
I want the one making out with the dumpster. Is that bad?
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
There's green glitter on my nipple rings. #mardigras2013
I have to stop letting him stay all weekend. I feel like a cored apple.
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
Props to the guy blatantly doing coke in the bathroom at the bar. Walked out of the stall with a credit card in hand, sniffing loudly and shouting "choo choo"
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
going on fb and having 11 notifications all from you is absolutely horrifying