I love you and miss you, which in no way dimishes how much I hate the person you turned out to be, but I still love and miss you.
This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
In The Air Tonight was playing in the dentist's office. Had to stop the cleaner to do the drums.
How many times a week can a couple have a threesome with the same guy before it becomes some sort of 3-way relationship?
Stay Away From These 29 Online Dating Red Flags
They normally just get fucked up and see who can hold their hand on the exhaust the longest. It's great
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
Having a race with the dryer. Seeing who can get drunk/dry clothes faster.
All the girls at the party had American flag thongs on... Pretty impressed with coordination seeing as how impromptu this event was
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
21 Rideshare Drivers Had to Drive These NSFW Passengers
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
Every man needs a table where they can sit and reflect on the successful penile conquests of the day.
there's still three solo cups of your puke in my basement. so that needs to be solved at some point.
PLEASE. I won't throw up on the floor this time. Or fuck in the bathroom. Or dance on the pool table. So PLEASE.
FYI your bra is now hanging in the hallway as a trophy.
As long as you keep bringing fries home, i'll keep being naked when you get home