i'm surrounded by gay midgets. not sure if i'm bragging or asking you to come rescue me. wait for follow up.
omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
I negotiated the purchase of an entire tray of like 50 jello shots for $8.
Damn you and your Monday night power hours.
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
I'm gonna call it the Reunion Tour. Hooked up with two different ex girlfriends in one day...
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
Dinner was cheetos vodka and whiskey. This is what happens when even your booty call breaks up with you.
Naked. naked and bneed help.
My mom has a bong in her bathroom, but no air freshener.
Fuck you and fuck your stupid hat
I don't trust him but hanging out with him might be fun
he's literally satan but yeah probably
You kissed my hand and then put a Taco in it. Why WOUDNT I leave my husband?
He was eating me out on a picnic table on the frame lake trail and right after I came, a group of hikers walked around the corner. Stood up just in time
And this is one of the many reasons why you need a car.
Randomize
