My roommate made me go home after I mooed at fat girls at the gas station.
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
No matter what I do you still love me. It's like loving a retarded kid. A retarded kid that keeps trying to sleep with you.
he said i balance and complete him. i feel sick
Did not foresee holding down food at work today to be a struggle today
It's just good to know that when I drink like a twenty year old I still act like one.
Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
U can be a future sentaor's wife if you want. I'm happy with "closet lesbian", "tech prof".and "masters degree" all rolled into one. Drunken bar escapades pay off.
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
I went by my nickname in rehab. It made it feel more like summer camp.
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
He just started dry humping the air... I'm done
but if we have a President Trump come Tuesday, I might throw myself off the Walt Whitman Bridge so Thursday might not work for me after all.
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
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