So drunk its hurt
Whats contracted in vegas does not stay in vegas....
it's 4 am, i'm drinkin beer and re-drywalling my bathroom. this could possibly be a bad idea.
remember when mike pissed in his pants and then put a double cheeburger in the pocketsss of said wet pants for "safe keeping"? yea drunker then that.
just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
I need input, can I pre-game my cat scan?
Oh my god. I'm sorry if i peed on you last nite. I am truly disgusting
Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
Eh maybe I should give her a chance. Let's see where making a porno takes the friendship
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
That's probably why white girls drink so much espresso. Piledriving coke and vodka crans takes a fucking toll man
And Mike keeps telling Will that love at first sight is true and this is just a shit show. Help.
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
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