i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i still was a whore
Just did free shots of tequila at a walmart. Hello Mexico
You just squeezed a person out of you and I'm drunks at 2PM. Our lives got traded and you know it and you're jealous.
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
Sex should always be followed by Chinese food in bed.
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
I told her the only thing I had going for me was my huge cock. She said she was willing to overlook my other shortcomings.
blew off easter dinner with the fam to go play shot roulette. woke up in nothing but my boxers in the back of a random pickup truck.
But for real, I had the best sex of my life on that bunk bed
He said we were over, wrote my name on the condom he left in my car last night and said he'd always keep it in case I came back. It was kind of romantic
woke with Taco Bell next to me in bed and people's shoe sizes written on my arm.
ya I went to the grocery store literally just for cheese and condoms
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
I am not a whore. I just wanted casual drinking, monogamous sex and occasional McDonald's runs.
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