U know its gonna be a great day when the guy at the liquor store waves at u cause u walked by
you dont want to live with me, im always naked, a chronic masturbator, a bit of a voyeur and will likely touch you while you sleep. ps- i can pick locks
Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
Man THE POSTAL SERVICE is awesome when I'm high..... But they suck when I'm sober.
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Changed my sheets. Found a can of rockstar, crushed bag of tostitos, used tissues, and enough of both of our clothes to make a whole outfit.
I even resorted to pole dancing with the street sign. I have an extra $20 now because I think people were paying me to leave.
so you told her it was a 'nam scar? i mean, how old does she think you are.
you duct taped a twenty to your thigh just in case and passed out.
I may have just flashed my roommate as he walked in while my towel was falling. Now he knows what an American sized penis looks like I suppose
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I am 100% planning on being drunk on Wednesday. This is America. Work or no work.
Dammit labor day drinking cancelled due to 3 inch long table saw cut to palm
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
Just got home from work. I'm going to change into sweats for a while before I have to wear normal pants to the party like I promised.
I dont think you understand. A NOODLE FELL OUT OF MY VAGINA! I DEMAND TO KNOW WHAT YOU DID TO ME LAST NIGHT!
He cut off part of his middle finger playing the knife game while singing The Knife Game Song at the top of his lungs. He also scream like a girl when his finger hit the floor and he realized he fucked up.
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