didn't have any spoons so I beer bonged my chicken noodle soup. I fucking love camping.
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
its impossible for me to find something that fits my tits my muffin top and my ass all at the same time
They live so far away from me that not fucking them both would have been financially irresponsible
I drank myself into bisexuality again.
Good. I hope they all got E.Coli from snorting coke off of some homeless prick's asshole.
I'm eating crumbled blue cheese out of Tubbaware. My life is nothing.
Also I had a dream we made my birth control into a joint. What does that mean?
I got drunk enough that when camel suggested jumping off the pier, I thought it was a fantastic plan. Also my blood hurts.
Just accidentally flashed my junk to the lady helping me try on suits, it was cold in there, I don't think she was impressed.
"I'm 95% straight," he says. Cut to him on his knees...by far the most beautiful guy I've ever fucked.
I don't care what the Chinese zodiac calendar says . . . 2015 is the year of the cock!
I was trying to drink every time they said planned parenthood but my body isn't cut out for this.
I can't believe that after 9 years of signing things as "BATMAN", the first place to turn it down was the liquor store down the block.
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
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