How am I suppose to look him in the face when I know a commercial lasts longer than he does?
so i was just informed that i sang that song "pop that pussy ayyy pop that pussy" at the halloween party saturday. iembarrassing.
It was like a lincoln log. Seriously. I don't know who's more pissed, me or my vagina...worst.hookup.ever.
I have located the smell of the stripper and narrowed it down to 3 girls in class
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
I mean, I know going to rehab probably didn't make her a lesbian, but I can always hope
Almost told my boss I was an expert aat swallowing when he questioned my ability to take excedrin,xanax, and a vitamin all at once. It was a medicinal gang bang lubricated by arizona tea.
Man in California was arrested for killing and eating a wild bobcat while high on crystal meth. Let's please NEVER get that high on anything...
I swear she hasnt shaved since the last time we hooked up 5 months ago
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
you guys just sat there and simultaneously smoked bowls staring at each other... it was like a bowl off or something.
Everyone heard you scream that I was to be naked, in your bed in 5 minutes. We were one hell of a shitshow spectacle
Should I put the money for my dealer in a Christmas card? You know, make it more frstive?
i just read a article called "Booze, Drugs, and Bipolar Disorder"... i think someone is writing the memoirs of my life
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