I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
Dude if our hands were ladels we could work at a soup kitchen
That would be so convenient
Hey! I was tired. I threw up in two parking lots yesterday.
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
Yeah just got a blowjob at busch stadium during the cardinals game childhood dream realized
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
Drunk enough that you donated $50 to taco bell, because they serve a great purpose.
Getting day drunk before work is perfectly acceptable when its 99 cent margaritas.
I call him Seabiscuit because he's my trusty steed
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
Best case scenario I do a bunch of dirty things to you, blow your mind and you enjoy it. Worst case I stare at you, poke at you, smile and droll on myself, you laugh.
Then. Omg he showed me A CARD TRICK AFTER WE CAME
Don't worry I sent a creepy stalker message to a guy I slept with 6 years ago, Sunday Funday rock bottom
THIS IS SO HOT. BYE PANTIES.
I don't think Buddha would recommend a sexscpade across Mexico
The stripper was super into me until she pulled out my tits then I realized.... This bitch is just using my ass to get MORE TIPS