Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
Having sex with her was like reading the Wall Street Journal.
He told me he was ok to drive home. Then I found him face-planted in the parking lot.
After we had sex he bought me grape soda. I think I'll keep him.
Why is the word 'best' written on my chest?!!
My professor just used the phrase "balls deep in your mind". My day is officially made.
I just want a guy that likes cats and is willing to get a vasectomy. IS THAT SO MUCH TO ASK?!
I don't think you understand. Its the best fauxhawk you've ever seen. I look like a gay dinosaur.
That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. Can I call you littlefoot?
Highlight of the weekend: getting roundhouse kicked in the dick while switching from reverse cowgirl.
I WOKE UP IN A FUCKING DOG BED HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL
I actually feel bad for him. He has me as a girlfriend and he's like a saintly cleanly person... And I'm over here telling him to jizz on my back and shit.
Something I never want to forget. I'm in a porta potty and she is outside knocking on the door going "You're a queen. You're a queen. Never think any different"
I wanna suck that fisherman's dick.
You know when you're a kid and you play at the pool until you passed out? It was like that except instead of playing it was sex.
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