Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
now that im off birth control, the world is a much scarier place
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
Stand up sex. Extremely, extremely difficult. I now know how pointe dancers feel.
there is vodka in my soul right now. The vapor is coming out my nose.
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
Imagine cans of beer raining. Like not hitting you and hurting you. Just gently falling into your hand whenever you're sad
I asked for my Beats earbuds back and he sent me a pic of them tied around his penis. Now I miss both my great ear buds and his great dick
You drunkenly hook up with 5 people in one night and suddenly everyone tries to party with you.
Dude... I had a dream that I was getting high for the first time. I got to experience my weedginity again. It was glorious.
Its really hard to get off when the googly eyes on your vibrator stare into your soul..
I swear, I make more use of my creative writing major with sexting than I do with anything else
So now I'm just going to brush my teeth, get high, and go to sleep. Like an adult
i just had to ask the gas station attendant what state i was in... winning at life.
im in missouri by the way.
I need to find a divorced guy with a boat and let my tits do the talking
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