"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
Last-second stop at the drug store for lube and condoms. Clerk said "So uhmmm...that's a done deal, huh?"
High five!
2 v-cards in one night. impossible is nothing.
he fucked my hip out of place.
Of course she said it wasn't that good, I don't bring my A game to pity fuck the thrice divorced girl from work
she just punched a dude and called him a peasant for not drinking fast enough in flip cup.
Dude, you were so wasted she couldn't wait. She was grinding your face while you were passed out in the yard.
We're just Facebook friends. Use guy logic. I tapped your wife in high school, 20 years and 60 lbs ago, when she was hot and experimental. Why would I mess with that now? It would ruin the vivid memories of her that I keep in my spank bank.
I will find you...
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
Got stuck at my fwb place for three days because I decided sex was more important than my safety in the weather. Worth it.
Walgreens has pop rocks. Be prepared to get your dick sucked.
I smoked all his weed and he hasn't noticed yet. But I might need a place to crash when he does
Do not ever chug tabasco sauce.
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
Want to have dinner and we can talk about how my vagina can make you feel better?
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