new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
i saw the 3rd guy i ever had sex with last night and kept calling him #3
It just hit me that i made out with someone's mom last night
Fact: Telling a guy he has erectile dysfunction doesn't solve the problem.
last night i found out that my 11 year old cousin used me as an example of what not to do in her D.A.R.E. speech. awesome.
My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances
handjobs have no place on a baseball diamond
I would say I am sorry for punching you last night, but I found the pictures you took on my camera and it all came rushing back.
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
I really want to fuck that guy in the full wind breaker suit
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
This is classic penis vs brain.
Because drinking and showering don't go hand in hand. There that's my PSA of the day.
My room looks so cute. Who wouldn't want to hook up with me in here?
Remember I am not doing blow tonight. I REPEATE NO COCAINE unless I do it with your mom
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