I wish I was that guy from the miller light commercials so I could walk into parties and take peoples beer without getting yelled at
I just made princess spaghettios..and I wonder why she broke up with me for not being mature enough.
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I don't think i can handle my uncle say again that kid rock is a true musician....
He's going to regret telling me he doesn't care if i shave or not...
He's a waiter, looks 15, and told me he loved me after only talking to me for 30 minutes. I told him I wanted a margarita. We got 3 free pitchers. I may have to make this our regular Wednesday night hangout.
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
i just stole a 8 pack of olde english 40s and 2 roles of duct tape. we are going to make edward proud tonight.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just made out with the guy who gave me my tour. Full circle college win.
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
i liked you for your lack of ambition and abundance of weed
I'm graduating college in 4 days. I already miss the bad decisions
Vodka for breakfast. With a side of Frankenberries. Don't judge me.
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
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