I really liked your hair last night but that style makes it really hard to hold it while you puke
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
What was the name of the cook I had sex with at Famous Dave's?
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
There's no point in calling it Big Titties Tuesday if girls with big tits don't get anything special
A beer is a heart your wish makes!!!
I'm like 87% sure some random guy starting biting my ear after grinding me for like 30 seconds... I feel suprisingly unconcerned
Got high with dad and hunted squirrels in the basement. Is this seriously what my life has come to?
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
Took three klonopin and turned all my jeans into jorts. I miss you
THEN YOU WILL NOT GET TO SEE MY TITS TONIGHT OR IN THE NEAR FUTURE YOU HEARTLESS BASTARD
Which president had the biggest dick?
Take your time, I'll wait
She said she was sober from drugs for a week. All I heard was Kenny Loggins singing Danger Zone.
I am no longer embarassed by my vagina
It concerns why you would be in the first place, but I'd rather not know
My theory is if i keep drinking, evolution will kick in and I will grow a bigger, faster, and more improved liver by January.
Randomize
