Nah got too drunk to function...probably could have dragged something home over my shoulder if the cops didn't roll
she needs to learn to take compliments like she takes dicks.
There are only two things that should be in vaginas... penises and vegetables
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
You totally left a blue butt print on our banister
Well I think we can all agree that that's better than then bowl of puke I left last time.
Just finished off a roll of paper towels. Celebration blunt?
I don't understand but I'll be there in 5
Just did it in a room with glowing stars to Peter Gabriel's down to earth on shrooms. This is like god
Please don't smoke the bong in the bathroom while you shit. It is not a shitting bong.
The fire department told the police that I was inside the burning building trying to pee in the rest of the electrical Outlets. Booyaka.
Took me 10 minutes of oral to finally get him hard for like 30 seconds of sex until he came and passed out. Def not worth the ROI.
Funny, 'cause his story is it went great. He faked passing out so he wouldn't have to do anything in return.
She was pouring Goldschlager in my mouth during the shower sex. How can you NOT like her?
we told the drug dealer that our car was dead and we needed a jump so he would bring the drugs to us...
He offered me a trade. He'll come sober to my parents 25th anniversary dinner if I let him tie me up for an hour.
Update. bondage is a lot harder than it looks.
I should probably drink beer instead of rum today so I don't end up naked in my living room while I still have guest.
I mean I faked it but he could answer my texts
Randomize
