I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
She's allergic to latex.
Lucky bastard.
after eating me out, he asked for something to drink. i gave him a glass of water and he said he needed something stronger.
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
I brought him to this party even though we're not together anymore because we made a bet on who would have sex first, and it is a sausage fest up in here.
then you said,"Take this damn cabbage!" although it was actually your shirt. i found you in the elevator of his building.
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
Dear god how many nuts did u bust in me my vagina feels like a bowl of jello.
Get you some cowboy.
In that sentence you are the cowboy. That is not saying you should get a cowboy for yourself.
My alarm went off and I went straight for your dick. That's dedication.
I should be done at 8 and I've also done a great Job of convincing my self that I should get really drunk tonight
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
Did I fall last night?
I wouldn't call it falling as much as you tried to lay on the sidewalk and proceeded to hit it face first.
I have just discovered the land of milk and honey. and by milk i mean vodka and by honey i mean tequila.
Randomize
