im sorry i didnt take advantage of you..iwaned to
i wanted you to too
One of the mothers are the party said to me "All your friends are getting married, you're just getting drunk"
so this guy comes in from the patio covered in puke and says "we gotta go"...Yup u need to go is an understatement
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
Just took a shower for the sole purpose of getting off without using my hands... I've reached a new level of summer-lazy.
I'm watching Part of Your World now and I'm crying and I feel like I'm floating right along with her. This. This right here is some drunken Disney Magic
We were sexting and i didn't know what to say, so i said i wanted to wrap him in tortillas and devour him like a burrito. then i went on by saying that i liked my burritos with a lot of cheese.
THERE IS A DOG IN THE CLUB. I repeat a dog in the club. I might have laid down and petted it..I have no shame.
dude kate found out i cheated and busted in while i was taking a shit. I was cornered, nothing i could do
so drinking tonight?
Be there in 15
You're my best friend, so I'm kinda scared to say this, but.....I kinda feel odd when I show up with you at your family events and I have banged or blown at least 3 people in the room
i hooked up with all four beatles on halloween get on my level
Randomize
