my iphone just auto-corrected drink to drnknghhhg...
He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
Olympics start in one day, that gives us 24hrs to think of gold medal worthy drinking games
Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Maybe....
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
I drunk madeout with my mom last night. it's guna be an awkward breakfast.
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
Oh I will totally be your beard, but on one condition I get to watch you and your boy friend have sex.
So on a scale from 1-10 how gross is it that I used mortuary makeup on my own face?
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
I don't mean to crush your hopes and dreams but having sex IN the Stanley Cup isn't possible
Tbh.. I hope he still watches our sex tapes so he can be reminded of what he's missing out
Anyhow. He gives me orgasms and cuddles and buys me dinner and alcohol. Ill keep him around and cross that other girl bridge when we get there ha ha
Randomize
