I must have had a great time last night.. I woke up with coconut oil all over my glasses
You can't say "they have anal bleaching for that" and then just hang up
I would like to apologize for my MANY attempts of trying to motor boat you.
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
I mean really it's like when you're super hungry and you can't decide what to eat, you just know you want food. This is that situation, but for my vagina
All I wanted was a hug. You dirty, dirty whore.
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
The bar tenders gave me the number for a "taxi"... It's just a dude with a van. In retrospect, pretty sketchy. Robert was cool though.
I haven't been motivated enough for a shirt. And only half the day was bra-worthy.
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
Like woke up with a dick piercing kind of drunk.
Fucking suck it up and drink your feelings like a normal human being.
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
Tonights mission: get trashed, smoke a bowl on top of the silo, get some dick. Not necessarily in that order.
From now on I'd like to be known as Rampage.
Randomize
