So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
i've got to stop sleeping with short guys. they always turn into stage 5 clingers
can we meet up so i can piece together the end of my night? for instance, did i jump or fall into a plant?
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
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does it still count as break up sex if it's 4 months later? sorry i'm just looking for an excuse to fuck him.
Just blew a perc off the traytable on my flight, spring break has begun!!
She tried to ditch the cab before she payed but she forgot to grab her shoes and wake me up
That was the first time I have seen a confused expression with a dick in the mouth
Congratulations, you have helped solved the mysterious disapperance of Dani's phone which was found in the munchies cabinet next to the oreos. Your reward is star power as well as a fat ass bowl of Nebula. You may proceed through the wardrobe and into Narnia for your prize.
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i just feel like the statute of limitations for admitting i plowed through her car last night was up a couple hours ago
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
You know its an epic night when omar the garbage man gives you a ride home at 6 in the morning.
Making friends with the guy who had alcohol-infused whipped cream was the best decision I made all night.
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
Quick question. If you break the bathroom sink off the wall from fucking on it, can you claim it on your homeowner's insurance as a 'natural disaster'?
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