I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
Pretending to be straight requires way more energy than I'm willing to use in this heat.
I feel like a need a fire hose to wash off what I did last night
I thought i'd save money with No Heat November but the amount of whiskey i have to buy to stay warm is probably adding up to more than a heat bill.
Screw this I'm going to go talk to her. If you hear sirens they're for me.
She said I walked up to the McDonalds counter and ordered just a cup full of pickles then proceeded to offer some to everyone in the place.
The best part is when you puked in your slurpree and the 7 eleven guy still made you pay for it
Its been 4 years since I have masturbated this hard. God bless the Olympics!
I woke up this morning to find a stuffed animal submerged in the toilet. I'm not entirely sure if it was the cat or Kara.
My body is like , remember when you wouldn't let me puke last night? Good luck at work fucker.
I'm sorry but if you can't drink a bottle of wine without a glass, I do not think we can be friends.
I took a sleeping pill while he was in the bathroom. Time for a game of how long can we bang before I fall asleep.
You are both horrible and amazing
My uterus feels like it went 8 rounds with Mike Tyson. And that was only a quickie.
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
Act your age.
I am. I'm acting like a drunk 20 year old.
Randomize
