1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
apparently i started the naked brigade. and depantsed everyone who wasn't naked. her parents must hate me.
You kept yelling that her vagina looked like a hatchet wound.
The liquor store was handing out free shots of some new expensive vodka, but they caught on the fourth time we came back in different outfits. Politics.
answered a 6 am booty call this morning...you were still in the er so I thought what the hell
I can feel myself smiling like 10 minutes after I stop smiling, and that's just like... so awesome.
we should probably just go check in at the police station right now
My mom just looked at me while watching the fireworks and asked if it reminded me of how I felt after sex. I'm so uncomfortable.
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
My night ended with a French cab driver offering me his sperm free of cost.
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
His boxer smelled like clean laundry while I was giving him head. It was delightful, like sucking a dick in a spring meadow.
Yo whoever left a thong on the dining room table, first of all get help second of all please remove it now
The car smells like weed is an understatement.
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
Randomize
