I woke up this morning and the first thing i saw was the harry potter tattoo on his left butt cheek.
can i drink enough to forget this semester even happened?
just paid a stripper to have a minute conversation about the arizona game WTF
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
u know how some weekends you just wanna go out and ruin a relationship? this is one of those weekends
I just found out via Facebook that my old dorm room is now the free condom distribution room on campus...IT'S LIKE THE UNIVERSE KNOWS!
Your mom won me $100 and you showed me your tits. Solid evening.
He's claiming he can open a beer bottle with anything. He's been trying for a while now with a power rangers action figure and he is just cutting the hell out of his hand. There is blood all over billy
Turns out floaties are a great thing after a couple bottles of vodka
I just recorded myself pooping, then uploaded to google drive, then connected to my pc through teamviewer then downloaded it, then played it to the living room while still pooping. God I love the internet.
Def went to work still drunk... the only comment i got was good to see you drinking more water...
Oh god he’s a clown I fucked a rodeo clown
honestly, you deserve someone taller anyways
Omg I got up from his bed and almost did a header into the wall because I came so many times I forgot how to walk.
i keep smelling vagina and donuts, which pretty much sumarises this morning. happy birthday.
Randomize
