she looked like the bat from fern gully.
I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
The duggars are the reason premarital sex is ok. Because if you don't have it until marriage you have no self control when it happens. And 19 kids.
Stole a wheelchair from the hospital and rolled down the street smoking and drinking this is my weekend
youre always welcome to strip dance on tables with me Mag. what are friends for.
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
You were great dude. You wanted to charge the guy with fedora $100 to get in.
You were fine, but your knee injury definitely came from interpretive dancing like a gay fairy with lead wings all around the Mission St BART. Everyone thought you were on drugs.
I was super proud of him for making a mature relationship decision, and then I remembered that he cheated on her. With me.
I swear to god if I see a single piece of genitalia I'm driving back to LI and smacking you back to the Italian Renaissance
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
Jungle juice breakfast? No? Ok.
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
If u could sum last night up in one word?
omgwtfpineapple
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