Can i come over
After you called me a desperate slut? No
Come over
Your vagina is a self cleaning oven.
just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
Side note: I think I fell asleep holding a cereal box
I said I was going to sleep an hour ago. Now I'm making plans to get high with the guy who mows your lawn.
We invited our waitress tonight to come too.... we told her she had lightning in her veins and in return she taught us a Texas Roadhouse dance so the logical next step was invite her to a kegger.
Either sorry for fondling you Saturday or thank you for letting me fondle you Saturday.
I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
I learned that I order a bunch of dollar shots at the bar and once it's ready turned around and say "who wants pay?" And someone will pay
He was wearing a diaper to the party. I've never felt like such a creep in my life.
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
Yo did you say we are blacking out saturday night and playing dodgeball?
Yeah for relay for life. Its for cancer
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
Randomize
