So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
Just beat 2 Norwegian women in beer pong. Never been so proud to be an American.
I just woke up to three dick pics. Apparently in my blacked out state. I was asking for them as the new valentines day card.
Traded my phone for pizza, then got it back this morning....successful night
first reaction to dying the pubes purple - awesome. Reaction after I explain the process - not awesome. Hypothesis? when girls find out you know to bleach and dye your hair, they're turned off.
Coming to you live from the floor of my office..
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
Since when do you jog?
Since hot shirtless guy that lives across the street jogs
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
For the record you're an amazing lay and you have great taste in breakfast sandwiches
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
His name was toto. That should have been my red flag
I quit doing blow for him. If that doesn’t say “I’m in love with you and want to marry you” idk what does
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
Randomize
