Sometimes I think my vagina thinks its a penis.
3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
i bought a pregnancy test with dimes. Is that trashy?
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
She woke me up, whispered "I like the size of your dick", kissed me, and rolled over and went back to sleep
He started making shapes and faces with his cock and balls.... apparently if you wrap the shaft with your balls and turn it 90 degrees to the left it looks like a hamburger
Let's just say a refrigerator got involved and after that I had to send him home.
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
Nick is about to bring home a woman who is 39, a mother, and, by all accounts, FUCKING HOMELESS. Will update as details become available.
Of course, it's a law of friendship. "Thy friend Shalt always hold hatred for thine friend's swinish ex"
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
My neighbour just came round to ask why we posted a spatula through his door at 3am. What do I tell him??
What's a sexy way to say balls deep???
I remember you banged her while I was dying on your couch, so good call
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