Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
His stupid grin looks like he's mid-ejaculation
I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
If its vodka, everyone is attractive. Tequila, everyone is dead sexy, single and fuckable.
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i have received so many congratulations texts this morning. sleeping with him really was a good decision.
i got a blow job in the bathroom during intermission at the hockey game. i'm pretty sure i made Canada proud.
I guess you don't remember pouring tequila in the dog bowl and slurping it.
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
If I threw up, how do I still have the same piece of gum in my mouth from the beginning of the night?
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It was a deal breaker when she told me not to wear a condom and god would decide if we were meant to be together.
Really? And is this the kinda party we talked about earlier?
Yup. It's just me crying in a closet eating soup
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
I walked into Anna's room this morning and she was like teary eyed, with pizza sauce all over the place
Like either my tits got bigger or I've succumbed to Trumps tiny hand syndrome
ok morning sex is a totally valid reason to come in late... ur good, cya in 20