I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
he just spelled fiance, "pheancie". I dont think he's ready to get married.
it was like fucking gandolphs beard
He was dressed in a pink dressing gown feeding people ketamine from a plastic sword he called Excalibur. how was your Monday?
I just Tebowed the shit out of her.
Nice and you can't use "Tebow" in the place of every verb.
I will no longer accept being cock blocked in my own bed.
As i was laying there shouting that he dislocated my hip he actually reached his armed around and patted himself on the back
So you get idea of what my night was like, I woke up this morning and the back of my head was orange
You know what would make this walk of shame even better? Picking up my cap n gown on the way to my car
She can't brag about all the anal sex she has and then expect me not to awkwardly stare at her boyfriend when she brings him around
It's like everything I need in life within a five block radius: booze, toilets, dogs, dicks.
I'm just waking up. I awoke in a towel (I must have showered at some point),i also found a half eaten McChicken in my bed and vomit in the toilet. Seems like I'm winning at life
The condoms have been found. I repeat: THE CONDOMS HAVE BEEN FOUND. he isn't a collector!!!
I'm glad that we laid to rest the suspicion that he was keeping them in a scrapbook. yayy
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
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