dinner at cheesecake factory: $40. drinks at yard house: $50. having sex in the VG parking lot while people are staring at you awkwardly: priceless. Goodnight.
I actually told the people in the movie theatre to give me a cup and I would dip water from the toilet before I paid $4.50 for a bottle of water.
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
I'm gonna make a mold of your dick so I can make popsicles
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
she cried into her fur with two handfuls of money- she was the physical manifestation of white girl problems
So I peed on what I thought was a wall while in nashville come to find out while running from the cop it was just a dark tinted window and the while bar witnessed me peeing
I heard him say "bet you won't", look over 10 seconds later and she's blowing him.....looked eloquent under the glow of a camp fire.
Well I was kicked out of the bar and woke up on a picnic table. I'd say the night was awesome!
The inside of my nose has felt like the guy's face falling off from raiders of the lost ark all week
How the hell could he be confused. He had a naked girl running to him. I feel like he would enjoy that.
Somehow you're a lightweight AND an alcoholic. Rare combo in one person. Well done.
I'm trying to find a fanny pack so I can bring pizza on my run
I felt like I was selling my soul to satan but then I realized I already pawned it for drug money
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
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