i was so high it looked like the chipmunks movements were coordinated to that lady gaga song
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
Like if god were to send me a cock shot, that's what it would look like.
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
When a chinchilla decides to sit on your face while you're getting head from its owner, you bond.
I dropped my blunt out the window of a moving car by accident, tell me everything will be okay
If I believed in "responsibility" and "having limits", I would probably say I consumed too much alcohol in the last 48 hours
He took getting"shit in your neighbors hot tub drunk" way to literally
Happy Thanksgiving! Hope its not too awkward that your dad and your boyfriend are the same age.
He's carved the words "SLAM STATION" into his headboard...
They ran out of toilet paper, so I had a girl rip down the streamers so I could wipe.
Just banged your ex. So it really is 'him, not you' in that he's gay. Rodeo champion gay.
Also mom is not happy about me telling her how much i want the women sprinters on the Olympics to beat me up
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
You are a genius and a whore.
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