Wow, your whole life is a joke regardless of the fact that its april fools day
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
we just drove by a car that was painted for a grad, it said "you done it!" with a confederate flag bumper sticker next to it. i love kentucky
im not sure if this headache is from the car accident or cocaine withdrawl
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I feel a five day drunk coming on.
Well, you know sobriety isn't something I like to do on the reg.
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
I think my ball sweat smells like waffle house. might be time to change up drunken eating habits
Most drunken moment of the night is me pouring Chanel no. 5 all over your boobs and rubbing it in...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
He also reminds me slightly of a pirate which i find strangely attractive
I may or may not of seen my high school physics teacher making out with my old high school boyfriend at the bar last night
Bacon and your penis are involved. Of course I'm going over.
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
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