He better hope I dont die soon. Because I would haunt his bitch ass and cock block 24/7
Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
He tricked me...the first song on his sex mix was trey songz but the rest were techno....i can't walk straight now
She thinks she's a fairy, dude. A real fucking fairy with wings and shit.
Yeah well margarita Wednesday already came twice this week and it's just now Wednesday
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
We fucked on a kid's slide, my vagina is singing praises of being used
I mean it's a good blow job, but it's not worth the four hour round trip.
Nothing says I love you as your fiancé bringing back home your drunk brother from his own stag party
We drunkenly made out once four years ago and then he immediately vomited and honestly I've never gotten over him
I don't know what kind of bucket list you have, but having sex with a tree isn't on mine...
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
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