EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
she told me I give head better than a lesbian. I know it's a great compliment but it kind of threw me off.
did we decide the 'sorry about the threesome' cake was too flippant?
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
Apparently i asked the cab driver how much the ride was going to cost, (he said about $25) then i offered him 50 to let me drive the cab...
Been trying to fuck him since december. Finally got him into bed and he was uncircumcised. Why do bad things happen to good people?
Today's goals: get day drunk then sober up in time for the walking dead tonight.
i woke up in a bed of pop tarts
Next time you decide to go downstairs hungover, please warn me. I now have to explain to twenty eight year olds why you were naked.
Remember when we used to smoke out of an apple at the playground? Those were some precious moments
I had sex in the tube at that same playground once. That park is full of memories.
Why can I remember how tall Nicki Minaj is from looking up her height once months ago, yet after weeks into the semester I can't even remember where any my classrooms are located
Importance
Aww his grandma died? That's sad! No mourning sex!!! That doesn't lead to good things!
Woke up with a throbbing vagina and a lesbian in my bed. Then for the hell of it we had morning sex. Definitley bisexual now
Pretty sure he was in my class in like 2nd grade
I like how you know everyone I've ever fellated.
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