I have a walk of shame I should be getting to. "Hey, by the way, what is your name?" is not a conversation I want to have today
it's 4 am, i'm drinkin beer and re-drywalling my bathroom. this could possibly be a bad idea.
Every good night starts with white castle burgers and shots in the parking lot.
on the way home the dog started throwing up her bone in the car..so naturally i started to puke too
and when he finished he handed me a baby wipe so i could clean up. i'm ok with the fact that he has kids, but not sure how to react to this.
i jsut feel off the bus, but its ok the driver let me back on. a woman hid her baby from me..
I sat on the toilet and peed through my jeans, then I pissed the bed and blamed him...do you think well have a 2nd date?
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
There still is not and there never will be anything as magical as getting high while listening to William Shatner's version of Bohemian Rhapsody.
If I learned anything from that one time I saw the last 10 minutes of oprah when they talked about the secret, it is that you project what you receive back. I also have wine.
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
All right, sex is off the menu for you. Now you just get friendship. So I can spend marginally less time being annoyed by you.
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
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