apparently when i got back to tyler's i layed face down on the bed and yelled "don't hurt my asshole!"
There is a reason Crest White Strips don't list masturbation as one of the myriad of activities to do while whitening your teeth. A very good reason.
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
it was all downhill after the free blackjack taco
at first i was on the bathroom floor cuz i was hungover. now im just here because it is cool
he fucked me with his goalie mask on. it was like sleeping with Darth Vader
GOOD MORNING. Have you seen the Avenger vibrators?
I'd risk everything I own for 10 min naked with her, 2 would be sex and the rest me crying like a little girl.
He ate a Doritos taco from my boobs. Does your boyfriend do that?
I was so drunk last night I couldn't see faces, only from the shoulders down.
I feel like dick that good should always be within a five kilometre radius of me.
Stay strong! Remember we're too uncoordinated to be strippers to make money instead of being a nurse
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
He licked the buffalo sauce off my fingers and then we had the best sex of my life.
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
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