Let's play a little game called "Chill the Fuck Out" - you're our first contestant
He managed to completely creep out every girl I was with last night. It was almost inspiring how efficient it was.
he's the only person i know who can drink himself into and out of alcohol poisoning.
1. Sorry about making it snow. 2. If it left a mess, I will be over to clean it. 3. Can that fire extinguisher still be used? If not, I'll buy a new one. 4. I just wanted to make it snow!
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm lying here drinking water from a shot glass..moving is not an option right now
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
RA chick in a Christmas onsie chased us up 5 flights of stairs. I need to stop violating guest policy
my bowl and the doses are under your mom's passenger seat
repeat: THERE IS LSD AND THC IN YOUR MOM'S CAR. HELP ME HELP US AVOID FELONIES
He ate shrooms at 9:30, said, "see you later," and left. I am alone on New Years.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I consider any night I don't make out with someone a bad night. So I've been great.
is that a dick in a sweater?
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
listen I will take literally anything I can get my tiny gay fingers on
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
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