The only thing better than Call of Duty is getting jerked off while playing Call of Duty.
he's werid. hell kiss me after i go down on him but he wont kiss me after i eat anything with mustard.
I got to the point where it seemed like she had 8 giant breasts instead of just two
I don't know how I'm boarding the plane tomorrow. I have my car registration.
please stop judging me for buying a handle of soco on a thursday at 10am. it was on sale, i'm thinking of my future.
we drunkly made out in the middle of the street beside the homeless guy playing the flute. Not how I imagined our first kiss.
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
He ran around the party with a broken foot/ankle with a gallon of Malibu yelling "it must rain coconut"
Think of it this way, instead of a puppy, we're getting a baby.
This is America. Deny every slut accusation or own up to it
You were just so carefree! People were like, "there's broken glass everywhere" and you were just like, IDGAFFFFFFF
He showed up at my front door with Plan B and a rose...
i spent my Thursday drinking before noon and not wearing pants
Can't talk, ducks in the car
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
Randomize
