Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
after everytime she pucked, she insisted on us all giving her high fives
is wine microwaveable?
Booyah. Found 8000 pesos in my closet and that's apparently 608 US dollars
If you get me so fucked up I can't use the microwave , I'm going to be so mad at you
Dude, all I know is that I came out of this thing wearing a snorkel mask and completely covered in glitter and soap.
You only have to pretend to care about soccer until July. HE'S PRETTY DONT RUIN THIS.
I'll tell you that it involved a pair of pliers and a trip to the ER.
I demand a full explanation right now.
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
You kept flirting with some guy while I was throwing up on the sidewalk, and I screamed YOU DON'T LIKE MEN
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos
I woke up this morning to pee and six dollar bills fell out of my underwear. I guess that lap dance just bought me lunch.
after that bj i gave him, i could fucking punch his mom and he wouldn't give a shit
Yea.. And you'll love me a whole lot more when I start letting my vagina make all the decisions..
Randomize
