I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
I would wrestle an alligator for a bj right now
Assholes at mcdonalds drive through wouldn't serve us last night even though we said we were on small motorcycles that were to small for them to see and weren't heavy enough for the sensors. We made noises and everything.
does wine, beer, and vodka mix well??
dude, everything can mix, this is college.
i literally would have sex with every single person on this girls wall, but not her
I don't think the people up for their 8am class were as impressed with how many beads i got last night as we were.
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
My public calorie counter app is pretty much just a cry for help.
It's not that I'm in love with her, so much as I would love to be her lesbian experience.
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
Realistically you can't tell me you're gonna put mashed potatoes on your dick and expect me not to get excited
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
I hooked up with a guy that had a beard last night felt like I was building a fucken log cabin
I HAD SEX WITH COLBY AND HIS FIVE YEAR PLAN IS TO STEAL A REALLY EXPENSIVE PAINTING AND ASKED ME IF ID BE INTO HELPING HIM AND I WOKE UP IN HIS BED TO A WOMANS TUBE TOP NEXT TO ME
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