Theres a dude at this concert at the urinal double fisting beers, taking drinks from both while simultaneously pissing euerywhere. He is my hero
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
im getting coffee to go get coffee.
Im throwing up in my trash can so I can go throw up in the toilet. We're basically on the same level.
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
I feel my soul being ripped out of my eye sockets
I just figured out how I'm going to tie you to my bed. Hint: I may have to go to the auto parts store before you get here.
You are hereby uninvited from future Turnt Tuesdays until further notice.
I can't decide if I'm depressed or if this is just what life without a bidet feels like.
Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?
So what you're saying is that The Magic Kingdom is ruining our plans to get laid?
Is the Glover Park Chipotle past the strip club?
Why is that your only point of reference?
Just answer the question
he was wearing a pyjama shirt under a dress shirt under a hoodie under a robe under a rain poncho the man was prepared for anything
Pretty sure I was naked for most of the night.....success
Randomize
