This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
i dont know what it was but it was definately NOT a vagina
I just wanted to let you know that this afternoon I took a piss at the same toliet you drank out of on New Years Eve.
It just hurt to pee because he was fingering for fucking gold in there.
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
You're an independent woman who is defined by her own actions and not by whether or not you have a man. You also have great tits.
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
Yes. I masterbate to Harry Potter. It's what our generation does.
In between explaining the best feminist lenses for the myth of Persephone and doing vodka shots with my friends she dragged me into my car and gave me an Earth shattering blow job. Honestly I think I'm in love.
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
Dont you look at me in that tone of voice
I woke up and couldn't find her. She had somehow managed to get into the closet and lock herself in. She was crying for her boyfriend. Thirsty Thursday at its finest
She's celebrating a tinder-match-aversary and I'm not about that.
Randomize
