Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
As per my father's affair, married men are no longer off limits.
Well, she's officially disappointed in me. I have it writing.
I just woke up to three dick pics. Apparently in my blacked out state. I was asking for them as the new valentines day card.
Pretty sure the cab driver can even smell the sex coming from between my legs
Sometimes you gotta say "hey, its been a long semester. Let's puke before 10"
More cowboy butts than you can shake a stick at, oh joy.
all night she kept rolling over and mumbling something about wanting an extendable retractable urethra.
I just thought about how many drinks I had last night and threw up.
My drug dealer bought me a book for Christmas. What a gentleman.
NOBODY TALKS SHIT ABOUT PANDA EXPRESS
well my apartment and my life are still a disaster but I did clean off my desk so that's gotta count for something...
i just used your hair clip to unclog my bong. i miss you so much!
can we do this tomorrow? ...i accidently got high.
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
Randomize
