My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
just found my old 10th grade stash of beer in a shoebox. guess who's getting trashed tonight
How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
I couldnt give him head when all I could hear was his little brother playing the piano and this family singing along to it.
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
Lets get real here, ive seen your moms breasts multiple times
Not sure how ur night is going, but unless u also saw a naked drunk chick pissing outside i doubt it can top mine
Hey, you can't rush the perfect creeper shot. I need buffer time to hone my skills.
I just recorded myself pooping, then uploaded to google drive, then connected to my pc through teamviewer then downloaded it, then played it to the living room while still pooping. God I love the internet.
I'm currently on an epic search all over the city for a drug store that isn't sold out of Plan B. I celebrated your birthday from afar.
I think I'd rather see her get hit by a car in one of those Russian dash cam videos on YouTube.
Yeah you're weird. You once told me you would by me a house in the middle of sex. Like as you were thrusting.
Everyone is a disappointment when you lose your virginity to nine inches
Randomize
