He's the biggest piece of shit to ever exist. He's not even wearing shoes.
I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
I don't know what happened last night but I woke up this morning with "wolf pack" tattooed on my knuckles.
I think it was the chocolate body paint and awesome blowjob that finally made us official.
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Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
Using the ceiling fan to slice the hotdogs in mid-air can only be contributed to our liberal use of 1800.
If I'm going to start compromising my butthole it's going to be for much better drugs than a ventolin
He came over hammered at four in the morning with roses trying to get me back when my new fling opened the door he just stood there crying for 40mins even after we closed the door
i dont know whats weirder. that i told him he stabbed me in my dream or that he told me i wasnt the first girl to tell him theyve been killed by him in a dream
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Why are your underwear on my dining room table?
What do I do when my mom and I both awkwardly spot the Rocky Horror parody porn sitting on the coffee table? Leave it or try to move it?
I just had a sexting conversation using medieval jargon. I think he is a fine suitor.
All im saying is that my face might fall off.
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
Some guy just walked past the bus stop in a lab coat and with a samurai sword and case...
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