i just want to meat her and do terribly wonderful things to her vagina...
I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
Don't feel too badly. Until twenty minutes ago my paper was a heading and a pizza order.
He was in me and said I can't believe this happened because of facebook. MOOD KILLER.
he thinks im joking when i say don't visit. i mean it's summer...he was the college fuck and now it's time for the summer fuck
I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
got woken up at 7:30 by a drunk girl asking me where she was... apparently she slept on my futon
she was in a cheetah costume
I may or may not have just hot boxed a backhoe on the construction site of a police station that's being rebuilt..
Showing up to Easter hungover, late, and covered in black an blues from pole dancing. Daughter of the year.
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
Please hurry. I'm the only one here who's not an attorney with a trophy wife.
I emptied a Vyvance capsule into my coffee pot last night and set the auto start. Pretty sure I've been drinking meth all morning
I opened the door, threw up on the street, wiped my mouth and flashed a thumbs up to all of the cars behind us and kept on driving
Bruise count after new years, 7. 2018 is looking up.
Is it too much to ask to have a life partner who has both male and female sex organs that looks cute and sounds like a female Antonio Banderas and likes to get weird?
Randomize
