I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
I hope i woe up in your car, or else i stole someone elses and slept in the back seat
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
Do you ever just think "I could really go for a good 30 minute blowjob". I do. Everytime jill smiles.
it was like i was on a global safari of uncircumcised men
This hot topless Jamaican just ran down the st with me on his back and He was screaming "I be stealing yo white ladies."
I don't know if i should be jealous or worried... or question where you are.
I'm still in my ugly sweater and underwear drinking coffee next to a plate of assorted treats we stole from the party. I got a new sweater by the way, its shoulderpad-y and looks like a news anchor got thrown up on by Liberace. I'm pretty proud.
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
there's people who respect me enough not to bang on my bed and i think that's beautiful
I feel bad for her. If you sacrifice and have a chubby husband I feel that you assume he's not going to cheat on you....
All I remember is that I was trying to call my wolf pack by howling.
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
I refuse to fake an orgasm. If I'm dating him, he better work for that shit.
Truth. Though I have held steadfast to the notion while the rest of you wavered. I had faith in his homosexuality.
So someone just asked us for our kidneys?!?
Randomize
