ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
i just smoke outta the biggest bowl i've ever seen. the kid was totally compensating for a tiny weeenie.
I puked in the cab and in my hair and he didnt even know
I may or may not be drunk driving a golf cart. Vegaaaassssssss.
Why the hell did you invite him? He's gonna bring two more inches of dick and zero fun.
Please. That's just a patriotism boner. I watched Michael phelps win another medal and had to change my underwear.
I guess I've just seen a lot of penises since then
I fingered myself to realization that I don't need birth control if there is never a guy.
What kind of life do I lead that no one is surprised by the fact that I was watching porn at work with the hot 37 year old?
I just sneezed glitter I JUST SNEEZED G LITTER I j u st SneeZED GLIT TER I DO NOT HAVE TIME FOR THIS AT ALL.
Just had my very first high conversation with mom
And you survived it! I'd say that earns you a "Blaze It Like a Real Adult" from the Grown-up Girl Scouts
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
i woke up on the third floor, naked in a closet.
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
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