I met a girl last nite that charged by the inch. i didnt have enough money but i figured shed be a good deal for u
this weekend will be like the season finale to my life
all i remember was you yelling "look at my little feet" at everyone on the way home from the bar.
do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP"
I just found what appears to be a tooth in my purse...anybody missing one?
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
is it sad that i can honestly say it was the best birthday sex i've ever had and it was still terrible?
All I saw was a purple blob and poking out from under was part of a green shirt. Took me a minute to realize it was him under that beast.Thought I should ask if he was actually breathing and conscience but then I saw him slowly exploring what few brave men have done before.
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
I HAVE NEVER BEEN FRIENDZONED IN MY LIFE AND THIS GIRL IS GOING TO MAKE ME QUESTION EVERYTHING. LIKE A GODDAMN CUNT. A WONDERFUL, BEAUTIFUL, MAJESTIC, LESBIAN CUNT.
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
I literally stopped banging her when my ESPN app alerted me that the Spurs had won. That's how much I hate Lebron. I would rather watch him cry in the post game interviews than get it in
My glasses were in the garbage this morning
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
FYI there's a girl here with happy daddy written on her tits
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