yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
No, I'm a firm believer in "Swallow or it isn't love."
he told me it was because of the roids, but i couldn't tell if he meant ster or hem.
i just remebered that we smoked out my hamster yesterday...
i hope hes still alive. i just remember you give him a shit load of cereal and saying "trust me your going to need it"
I had his cock in my mouth and he still wouldn't shut up about Star Wars.
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
If you value my life, if you value your own, please look for that godforsaken cookie. Please.
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
I'm back in the dating scene now... Since the legality issue calmed down. And my stalking charges were dropped.
That's the last time I send a mass text invitation to smoke a blunt
I just busted my piggy bank to afford McDonald's. This is my personal cry for help.
I need to wear something that says I would have sex with you but I'm not going to
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
I just wrote a self loathing message to self, wrapped my credit card in it, put it in an envelope, sealed it with another hate messame, and put it in my lock box. So. That's where I'm at.
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
Randomize
